Mayo Or Mustard
So yesterday, I was sitting at my kitchen counter, drinking a glass of orange juice, when I started to think of YOU, my dear readers.
You know so little about me.
I find this odd and a little disturbing.
I mean, what if I came to visit one of you, and you made me a turkey sandwich, and after taking one bite of said sandwich, SUDDENLY I can’t breathe?
You attempt to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on me, because you think I have something lodged in my throat, BUT then you remember that you don’t know how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver, because you fell asleep during that part of the training!
So, you try to find the dvd (that you had to bribe your instructor into selling you for $20, because you really need to know how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver, or you’re going to lose your job as a nurse’s assistant at the Old Folks Home), so you can take a crash course. BUT, as soon as you plop the disk in, and press play, it EJECTS!
This continues on for like TEN WHOLE SECONDS!
Play. Eject. Play. Eject. Play. Eject. Play. Eject. Play. Eject. Play. Eject.
Finally, you realize this must be one of the dvds your kids used as ice skates, and it won’t play because it’s ALL SCRATCHED UP!
Damn kids.
Meanwhile, back on the ranch. I’m rolling around on the floor. Eyes bulging. I think I can see a light, when you FINALLY decide to call 911.
After explaining to the paramedics that you ONLY served me a turkey sandwich, and all of THIS ensued, I think I hear one of the paramedics say, “sounds like an allergic reaction.”
Then I feel a sharp pinch in my arm.
I can see!
I can breathe!
I’m free!
I’m alive!
Me: THANK YOU, Mr. Paramedic! You saved my life with that shot you gave me for people who have allergic reactions!
Paramedic: What are you allergic to, gorgeous hot lady with the smokin hot body, that gave birth to seven children?
Me: Why Mr. Paramedic, my body that bore seven children IS smokin and hot. I’m allergic to mayo, and I’m happily married.
You: I didn’t put mayo on your sandwich. JUST MUSTARD!
Paramedic: I didn’t give you the shot I give people who have allergic reactions. I just pinched you.
Me: Oh, good! I’m not really allergic to mayo. I just despise it. A LOT! So much so, that anytime I’m served a sandwich, I ASSUME mayo is on it, and I go into shock. I think I have Toxic Mayo Syndrome.
And then, I thank you both for saving my life, and eat the rest of my turkey sandwich with mayo.
See why it’s good to know more about the people you invite into your HOMES and BLOGS?
I used to hate mayo and then I tried my husbands turkey sandwich after taking a bite of my dry one. Much better! Miracle Whip? Now that is gross.
BTW- In Utah we combine our mayo and ketchup (spices are optional) for a yummy fry sauce. Most of our local fast food joints actually have a pump of it. People don’t believe me that there’s such a thing as Fry Sauce, but google it…there is.
::pinch::
Thought I’d give you an epi shot before I said “bye”.
“Bye!”
I love your conversation with the paramedic. Hilarious! But true I’m sure.
You are too funny! My husband has that same reaction over miracle whip.
My kids just eat plain mayo on their fries…I’ll have to fill them in on that fry sauce!
And I bet that your hate for mayo is the reason you have suck a smokin’ hot bod!!!
yea, I meant “Such” a smokin’ hot bod! lol
Nobody in our house eats broccoli or mayo. Those two things have never seen the inside of my fridge. When are you coming over?
I don’t like mayo, but I do like your post.
I haven’t commented in like 100 years…didya miss me? OMG! This was so freakin’ hilarious! How do you come up with this stuff?? Boy am I glad I eliminated my blog guilt! I would have hated to miss this doozie!
OMFG I HATE MUSTARD. If I forget to tell them NO MUSTARD I will actually cry. My husband brought home a hamburger from Wendy’s and it had mustard on it. I actually threw it across the kitchen and cried hysterially. Hey, I was pregnant.
This is the most mystical thing I’ve read today. ZING!
Wow, you do have a way with words that made me totally laugh my ass off! Soo funny! Me, I’m like that about raw onions, and yes, I do believe I will DIE if I actually ingest one! Thank you so much for the laugh, I needed it! And now I know, Mocha=yes, mayo=hells no! I’ll remember that if I ever have you over!!!
I LOVE MAYO! I have never heard of people not liking mayo until I came to California. I have a friend who won’t eat bananas? Who doesn’t eat bananas for God sake? except him of course
Mayo makes me want to gag. Almost as much as pigeons.
Oh my. I LOVE mayo…wish I didn’t, but there it is! For french fries, dip a little mayo and then ketchup…yum.
As for mustard…I’m, um, allergic!!! *shudders*
I couldn’t get pass the “Paramedic: What are you allergic to, gorgeous hot lady with the smokin hot body, that gave birth to seven children?” I’m just laughing too hard..too early in the morning I might add. LOL!
Super. Thank you for this info Stesha. Now, I will rest better tonight know these critcal facts about you.
p.s Lite mayo? Or regular Mayo? Just wonderin.
You have absolutely no sense. Damn kids. LOL!
Winks & Smiles,
Wifey
Oh my gosh! This was hilarious! You had me laughing so loud that my boys ran over to see what had me in convulsions!
You go girl with “the smokin hot body, that gave birth to seven children”! Keep on keeping on!
@ mrs.notouching:
So will you be sending a private plane?
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
@ FranticMommy:
There is a lite mayo? I’m shocked! Why? I don’t know…
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
I also despise mayo and am allergic to peanuts. I got drunk once and ate a whole curry full of peanuts, my so called friends watched me turn white and go into (sp?) anaphalactic shock! They got me home and left me in a cold dark room with a large pitcher of water! (It is still one of my most vivid college memories!!!)
P.S. I found your blog on the BloggersChoiceAwards website and think it is great! I voted for you, I write for the Our Everyday Earth – Green Blog and wondered if you would vote for us in the best Education blog category;
http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/78212
Thanks in advance
i have toxic mayo syndrome too!!! we are SOOO twins!
I’m with Yaya. I have a similar reaction to Miracle Whip. Nastiness personified.
I was traumatized as a child, my mom used to put Miracle Whip or something like that on her hair for shine (my aunt was a beautician and highly recommended this treatment). My mom scarred me for life! Imagine a child’s confusion when she sees her mom putting this white crap on her hair and then dad using the same jar of stuff for his sandwich. Complete grossness for sure!
If my sandwich ever has mayo on it, I completely freak out!
Ok wait, I’m confused. Are you allergic to Turkey or hot paremedics?
I just love your sense of humor. And I don’t like mayo either.
You are so funny and I love how the paramedic said your body was hot and sexy. In my house I have to buy Mayo and Miracle Whip. Hubby hates Mayo.
Miracle Whip please. Mayo is like olives. If you bury it on a pizza – the olives, not the mayo. Yuck! – then I will eat it just fine. If you open a jar and put it in my face, you may regret it.
I aspire to be as entertaining as you are.
Mustard for me please!!
Okay, that was hilarious! Smokin’ hot bod… awesome!
@ Seni-Organized Mom: I have been making that for years when I have fries. I don’t think I saw it anywhere but realized that I liked the taste after having mayo and ketchup on a burger and it mixed. So cool that you guys use it too. It’s not exactly healthy but it’s good!!
You are so right. Wanna come over and we can talk over a coffee and croissant? I promise I’ll listen! And I’ll even let you listen to my new iPod shuffle that I won HERE!!!
This is my first visit to your blog and I can say I haven’t laughed this hard all week.
By the way, I’ll gladly take the mayo you don’t want.
LOL! You had me laughing again!